Private Investigators Blog: Byrd, Stillinger and Associates

TOP 5 WAYS TO DESTROY YOUR CHANCES TO PROVE YOUR SPOUSE IS CHEATING

In our more than 50 years of combined experience in investigations, we’ve narrowed down the answers to the question “How can I destroy my case before it gets off the ground?”

1.     Tell them you’ve hired (or are going to hire) an investigator.  It sounds intimidating and tells your spouse you really mean business.  After all, that cheating slimeball won’t stop what they’re doing because they know they’re being watched, right?

2.     Ask your spouse lots and lots of questions about their schedule.  They won’t suspect you’re on to them.  Or lie.

3.     Follow your spouse yourself, or better yet, ride by their lover’s house – no way your snooping around will be noticed.  There’s no chance your presence would interfere with the investigation you’re paying good money for. 

4.     Confront your spouse the second you get the first hint of incriminating evidence but be sure to do it before you have all the evidence you need.  Who cares that (in SC at least) you have to prove inclination AND opportunity?  Why wait until you have everything needed?  A month or two going by while your spouse and their lover “cool off” for a while is nothing to you.

5.     Do an investigation yourself or with your friends and relatives.  What does an experienced PI have that you don’t?  You watch TV - you know how to gather and document evidence, and how to best present it for your lawyer to use in court, right?  Besides, no one (especially a judge) would think your friends or family might lie to help you. 

These are in fact the best ways to DESTROY your case before it even gets started.  Being patient and maintaining your routine while your PI completes an adultery investigation can be extremely difficult.  Emotions are often overwhelming and it’s difficult to wait and do nothing – but as long as your PI is working your case, that’s exactly what you need to do.  It helps if you’ve chosen your PI carefully - you’ll know their investigative strategy and they will give you a realistic picture of how the investigation will be handled.  They will also update you regularly and work with you to refine the strategy if needed.  See our earlier blog posts on How To Choose a Private Investigator for more information.

Infidelity: The Statistics

One of the sensitive situations we face as investigators is the difficulty that clients have when they come to us suspicious of a loved one for infidelity. Be assured that you are not alone. Not only are we here to be of service as one of the top private investigators in Columbia, SC, but we also want you to know that infidelity is not a rare occurrence.

 

Don’t tell yourself that you are simply paranoid. Your fears may be well-founded.

 

Common Infidelity Statistics:

 

  • 30% to 60% of married couples are estimated to commit some form of infidelity at least once in their marriage.

  • 22% of men and 14% of women are likely to stray at least once. This is sometimes blamed on the sexual revolution of the 1970’s, but it may also be that our current culture is more open to discussion of extramarital affairs.

  • Up to 70% of married women and up to 54% of married men are unaware of their spouse’s infidelity.

  • The Internet is a major culprit in these statistics. About 57% have used it to simply flirt outside of their marriage and 38% have used it for explicit conversations with people outside of their marriage.

  • If your gut is telling you that something is off then it probably is. 85% of women who suspect adultery are correct, as are 50% of men.

 

 

It is important not to let your worries consume your life. If you think that a loved one is cheating on you then don’t ignore the feeling. Your future happiness and peace of mind are on the line.

 

For more information about Investigative Services please review our other blogs or visit us online at www.investigatesc.com.  

Suspicious Minds: Infidelity and Adultery

 Suspicions of infidelity or adultery can become a psychological nightmare. On the one hand you want to show that you implicitly trust your partner and you don't want to accuse them of something if you don't have incontrovertible proof. On the other, your suspicions may be eating you alive from the inside out – and this will have a severe effect on your emotional and mental health not to mention your relationship with this person. We at Byrd, Stillinger, and Associates have private investigators in Columbia, SC and private investigators in Lexington, SC who are equipped to help you find peace of mind about your relationship.

 

Determining if you may need help from a professional private investigator can be a difficult decision. You may be ignoring or explaining away signs of infidelity at this time. And that is okay – sometimes everyone can become a little paranoid. But statistics do show that up to 80% of women and 50% of men who suspect infidelity are correct in their suspicions. To help you determine whether you need to hire a PI we've come up with a list of signs that may indicate that a partner or spouse is cheating.

 

Signs of Infidelity

 

There's not really a top ten list of signs that are absolute proof that you are being cheated on. But all of these signs may be good indicators that you should seek the help of a professional – they will be able to provide you with the proof (or lack thereof) that you need to put these questions to rest.

 

  • A partner becomes withdrawn from you alone. They withdraw from social activities specific to you such as dates, your work functions, or visits with your side of the family. But they still find time to be with their own friends and family on a regular and normal basis.

  • A partner becomes secretive. They don't want to share their whereabouts with you and become defensive when you ask about what they did during the day.

  • A significant change in cosmetics or soaps occurs. They begin to take a larger interest in appearance and may change their appearance suddenly. They may come home with a smell of cologne or perfume for the opposite sex.

  • Things that were normally left out and about and used frequently in your presence such as a cell phone or a computer now relegated to a locked office also indicates that the partner may have something to hide.

  • Suspicious credit card or banking behavior. Either they made purchases in town when they were “out of town” or they are withdrawing large or random amounts of money from a checking account. A smaller amount coming in from their side of the joint account can also be an indicator.

  • A decreased interest in sexual activity where there was sexual activity on a normal and regular basis previously.

  • Strange mileage on the car that is unusual given the amount of time the partner was believed to be using the car.

 

It's Not All in the Signs

 

As stated before, we do not want you to believe that this is a comprehensive list of signs or that this means your partner is cheating at all. There may be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Stress from work or from other issues may cause a spouse or partner to act this way. They may be keeping something from you that has nothing to do with infidelity such as fear about a job or a pay cut. This is not to say that this is a good explanation because any trust issues in a relationship can lead to fracture but it is to say that infidelity or adultery are not always the only causes for this behavior.

 

If you find yourself faced with several of these signs then it may be time to hire a Byrd, Stillinger, and Associates private investigator in Columbia or private investigator in Lexington. Never accuse a spouse or partner on suspicion alone. We can help you get the proof you need so that you can have the peace of mind you deserve.

Working effectively with your private investigator

You've made your decision and hired a private investigator.  Now what?  The best all-encompassing advice we can give you is to trust your decision and let the detective do his job.  Most of all, do not do anything to "tip off" your spouse, or arouse their suspicions.  For example, you should maintain your normal level of interaction - don't ask more questions, don't ask less. Don't change your schedule or make other major changes that are likely to let your spouse know something is different.  Most of all, DO NOT follow or have others follow your spouse during the investigation.  Nothing is more frustrating for an investigator than to have the client show up near a surveillance operation.  If you are seen, not only will that surveillance be useless, you may cause your spouse to shut down their activities - remember, we cannot gather proof for you if your spouse isn't doing anything that needs to be proven! 

Along the same lines, you should be very careful about who knows you have hired an investigator.  There is no better time to decide to keep something to yourself.  Too many people find out too late that friends, family or coworkers they confided in deliberately or accidentally revealed their plans to the spouse, or just to someone they thought they could trust.  If your spouse finds out he or she is being followed, the investigation will probably have to be delayed - at worst, you could completely ruin any chance you had to obtain evidence that is admissible to prove the infidelity.  When you suspect adultery, it is natural to want to complain to or confide in friends and family, but the longer you can keep the investigation to yourself, the better.  Likewise, as the investigation progresses, do not confront your spouse with anything that is found unless and until you have discussed the findings with your attorney.  What seems like "all the proof you need" to you may not be legally sufficient to prove adultery in Family Court.  If you don't have an attorney, at the very least discuss progress with your investigator and keep your long term goals in mind.  It may be very tempting to confront your husband or wife when they lie to you about where they were the night before, but if you resist the temptation, you stand a much better chance of him or her continuing their behavior, giving the detective ample opportunity to document it for you. 

Communicating with your investigator is crucial, but remember you are paying by the hour (most likely) for their services, so limit your conversations to providing information on possible surveillance opportunities or information the detective may need to conduct the investigation efficiently.  If you find out that your spouse has made or changed plans for a possible meeting with their lover, let the investigator know as soon as possible.  Solo investigators plan their surveillance activities based on the information they have, so if you wait, they may already have another case scheduled.  National companies typically have a scheduling process that may not be timely enough to get the information processed and the task assigned to the field investigator.  Often, national companies contract with local solo investigators, so you are taking a risk, if you wait, that the information may not reach the investigator in time.  Most local mid-sized firms, like Byrd, Stillinger & Associates, have several field investigators available, but just like the solo and national companies, we schedule surveillance based on the information we have.  If you call at the last minute, we can probably accommodate your request, but you may be charged extra. Hopefully you will have read the contract for services before signing and be aware of any price differentials - if you are concerned, ask!  The investigator works for you. Getting the information to the investigator as soon as you can helps them schedule surveillance effectively, keeps you from missing out on an opportunity to gather valuable evidence, and saves you money

As the investigation progresses, be patient, and be realistic, considering all the circumstances and the professional advice of your investigator and attorney.  In some cases where the adultery is out in the open, it is not as difficult to document.  If, however, your spouse is being very careful and/or is aware of what is required to prove adultery, it may take weeks or months to gather enough evidence.  A termination of alimony case, by definition, takes quite a long time and a significant investment in surveillance time and equipment.  Other complicating factors, such as significant travel, location and privacy of activities, an affair with a co-worker, adultery with a person of the same gender and many other factors can complicate surveillance efforts.  If you did a good job of researching and interviewing before you hired a detective, they will be happy to explain whatever difficulties they anticipate before the case begins, and to discuss new concerns as they arise during the course of the investigation.  Sometimes the subject of the investigation "makes" the detective (realizes they are being followed) - sometimes this is due to a mistake on the part of the surveillance investigator, but not always - no honest detective will claim they have never been "made" during an investigation.  Experienced investigators with proper equipment are less likely to get "made", but it can happen even to the best of us.  If this happens, the investigator may notify you, and you should discuss how to proceed.  Be aware, though, that you may get an angry or scathing phone call from your spouse claiming they know you're having them followed.  Perhaps they "made" the investigator, but perhaps not.  Often, people involved in affairs make this accusation just to see how the innocent spouse will react - they may in fact not know anything at all.  You will need to use your instincts to decide how to react, but if it is at all possible to continue to keep the investigation to yourself, by all means do so, then discuss with your investigator as soon as you can.

 Sometimes the investigator will follow the subject on many occasions and not document any suspicious behavior.  This could be due to the subject being very careful or any number of other factors, but your detective should be willing to provide you with updates and talk to you about possible changes in strategy.  If your investigator brushes you off or refuses to discuss "what's taking so long", you may need to reconsider your choice of investigators.  Be mindful, though, that you are experiencing many different emotions and it can be difficult to be patient, and it can be difficult to process when you hear things you don't want to hear.  We understand, and will be glad to discuss your investigation, strategy and goals any time.  As with any positive relationship, you and your investigator must be willing to listen to each other and work together towards your goals.

Once you and/or your attorney are satisfied that enough evidence has been gathered, the investigator should provide you with a detailed report and a copy of any photographs, video and audio they have obtained.  Expect the investigator to require full payment before providing a report or testifying in a deposition or court proceeding.  Your investigator should be available to discuss the case with your attorney both during and at the conclusion of the investigation. 

What should you do if something goes wrong? You're not satisfied with the progress of the case....you're not comfortable with the strategy....these issues can usually be resolved by contacting the investigator and setting an appointment to meet face to face.  If you cannot resolve the issues, you may wish to discuss terminating the case.  Most private detectives require a non-refundable retainer, and you agree to it being non-refundable when you sign the contract.  This is one of the many reasons it is crucial that you take the time to choose your private investigator very carefully.  An honest and reputable investigation firm may be willing to discuss a return of some portion of a retainer that has not been used; however, they are certainly not required to do so. An investigator, especially a solo detective, may have turned down other cases due to her commitment to your case, and though this is a perfectly legitimate reason not to consider a refund, she is not required to divulge this information. 

 If the problem is that you can't find your investigator or are having trouble getting a big company to communicate with you, very often contact from your attorney will bring a swift response.  If the investigator is working hard on your case, he will be more than willing to let your attorney know this.  If contact via your attorney does not work, or you have concluded that the investigator is simply not to be found, or that you have been cheated, you may contact SLED Regulatory Services to file a complaint.  An investigator in SC who fails to abide by licensing requirements can be censured or can even lose their license.  If you have an attorney, discuss your concerns with them before filing the complaint.  An alternative to filing a complaint with SLED, if you feel you were cheated, is to file a complaint in Magistrate's or Common Pleas court.  Litigation is expensive with no guarantees, though, so again, talk with an attorney before proceeding. Hopefully you will never have need for these steps.  We know and work with private investigators all over SC, the US and even internationally - the overwhelming majority are hard working, honest professionals.  If you have or have had a negative experience with a private detective, look back and try to assess whether there were any tell tale signs that indicated that the investigator might not live up to your expectations, and then, armed with this new wisdom, start your search again.  Check out our previous blog article and the Choosing a PI page on our website for more information on how to choose the right private investigator.

Contact us for more information.

Byrd, Stillinger & Associates Private Investigators

www.investigatesc.com

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